June 13, 2020
A Retold Sleeping Beauty
（I tried to translate a story by a comedian. I changed the ending. I’m sorry the story became long again😅）
Takuya, a 9-year-old boy, was hospitalized with compound fracture. He was bored so walking on crutches around in the hospital. He saw a room at the end of the corridor where the sun never shines. The place was dark and eerie. Takuya opened the room's door with curiosity. A girl about Takuya's age was laid down on a bed. She was sleeping. Takuya was gazing at her. Suddenly, two people came in. Takuya quickly found out that they were the girl's parents. The parents kindly welcomed Takuya's visit and talked about the girl. Her name was Miho. She got into a car accident three months ago and turned into a vegetable. Takuya got permission from the parents and came to see her everyday. Even after he was discharged from the hospital, he came to see her and talked about himself and what happened in the school. While Takuya talked on, she was just laid still, yet when he talked about the story he screwed up, he felt as if she was smiling at him.
Takuya entered a high school and became hardly able to go to see Miho because he had to study hard for his college entrance examination. He entered a university and devoted himself to make a machine that shows people's dreams when they are sleeping. When several years have passed after he graduated from the university, he finally completed the machine. Then, Miho's mother sent a message to him. Takuya went to the hospital and met Miho for the first time in several years. She was laid down as before but became adult. Takuya gazed at her. He had the same exciting feeling as he had when he saw Miho for the first time as a child. She looked so pale but the heart beats cardiogram was showing waves. She was still alive! Miho's father said, "We heard you finally completed the machine. Congratulations! You can try it with her." Takuya hesitated and said, "Thank you but I don't think she has enough energy to go through the trial..."
"She has no time." Miho's mother broke in and gazed into Takuya's eyes.
Takuya prepared the machine in Miho's room and several doctors and nurses were already standing by. Miho's parents were also there. Takuya quietly turned the switch ON. A big screen showed white smoke. The white smoke was getting clear and showed a green open field. The image moved from left to right like someone's eyes movement. The center of the image showed a horizon between the green open field and the blue sky. Slowly, a hand is coming up against the background of the horizon. It's a female hand. Suddenly, someone grabbed the female hand. The image is moving to the person's face who grabbed the hand. Takuya showed up in the screen. The audience are surprised to see that the Takuya in the screen is perfectly the same as Takuya who is controlling the machine in the room. Takuya in the screen smiles and says something. Then, Miho's face suddenly appeared. She is laughing and says something to Takuya. The image showed the two figures. It seemed the sight was changed to another person's sight, not Miho’s nor Takuya’s. Miho and Takuya held hands with each other and started to run to the horizon. As they run, their bodies are rising into the air. They look as if they are running on the invisible road in the air. The screen is showing their backs who are talking happily with each other and running into the air, up and up and up....
Takuya looked down and put his hands on the table where there are machines. Several tear drops fell on his hands.
In the quiet room, the heart beats cardiogram sounded beep, showing the flatline.
The end
By Hikari Ohta, a Japanese comedian.
A Retold Sleeping Beauty
（I tried to translate a story by a comedian.
I changed the ending.
I’m sorry the story became long again😅）
Takuya, a 9-year-old boy, was hospitalized with a compound fracture.
He was bored so walking around on crutches around in the hospital.
Changed word order to make it sound more natural.
He saw a room at the end of the corridor where the sun never shinesd.
Fixed tense of "shines" to make it past tense (matches with tense of "saw").
The place was dark and eerie.
Takuya opened the room's door withfull of curiosity.
English speakers tend to say "full of curiosity" or "curiously" rather than using "with".
A girl about Takuya's age was laidying down on a bed.
She was sleeping.
Takuya was gazing at her.
Suddenly, two people came in.
Takuya quickly found out that they were the girl's parents.
The parents kindly welcomed Takuya's visit and talked about the girl.
Her name was Miho.
She got into a car accident three months ago and turned into a vegetable.
Takuya got permission from the parents andto caome toand see her everyday.
Other correctors might disagree with me, but I think that the correction sounds more natural because it talks about what he asked permission for. Without it, then the reader has to assume what he asked permission for, but by writing this it makes it more explicit.
Even after he was discharged from the hospital, he came to see her and talked about himself and what happened in theat school.
While Takuya talked on, she was just laid still, yet when he talked about thea story where he screwed up, he felt as if she was smiling at him.
Takuya entered a high school and becamewas hardly able to go to see Miho because he had to study hard for his college entrance examination.
He entered a university and devoted himself to makeing a machine that shows people's dreams whilen they are sleeping.
When sSeveral years have passed after he graduated from the university, he finally completed the machine.
Correction made to sound more natural.
Then, Miho's mother sent a message to him.
Takuya went to the hospital and met Miho for the first time in several years.
She was laid down as before but becamewas an adult.
I don't know how to explain it, but using "became" sounds a bit weird in this context.
Takuya gazed at her.
He had the same exciting feeling as he had when he saw Miho for the first time as a child.
She looked so pale but the heart beats cardiogram was showing waves.
Putting "heart beats" in front of "cardiogram" makes it a bit redundant, since the purpose of one is to show heartbeats.
She was still alive!
Miho's father said, "We heard you finally completed the machine.
Congratulations!
You can try it with her."
Takuya hesitated and said, "Thank you, but I don't think she has enough energy to go through the trial..."
"She has no time."
Miho's mother broke in and gazed into Takuya's eyes.
Takuya prepared the machine in Miho's room andwhile several doctors and nurses were already standingstood by.
Miho's parents were also there.
Takuya quietly turned the switch ONon.
A big screen showed white smoke.
The white smoke was gettingstarted to clear and showed a green open field.
The image moved from left to right like the movement of someone's eyes movement.
This one is just a stylistic correction; your sentence would be fine if you kept your original word order.
The center of the image showed a horizon between the green open field and the blue sky.
Slowly, a hand is comingcame up against the background of the horizon.
Verb tense correction
It' was a female hand.
Suddenly, someone grabbed the female hand.
The image is movingmoved to the person's face who grabbed the hand.
Takuya showed up in the screen.
The audience arewas surprised to see that the Takuya in the screen iwas perfectly the same as Takuya who iwas controlling the machine in the room.
Takuya in the screen smilesd and saysid something.
Then, Miho's face suddenly appeared.
She iwas laughing and saysid something to Takuya.
The image showed the two figures.
It seemed the sight was changed to another person's sight, not Miho’s nor Takuya’s.
Miho and Takuya held hands with each other and started to run to the horizon.
As they ruan, their bodies are risingrose into the air.
TheyIt looked as if they awere running on thean invisible road in the air.
The screen is showinged their backs who areith them talking happily withto each other and running into the air, up and up and up....
Takuya looked down and put his hands on the table where there arith the machines on it.
Several tear drops fell on his hands.
In the quiet room, the heart beats cardiogram sounded a beep, showing the flat line.
The end
By Hikari Ohta, a Japanese comedian.
Feedback
Great job! Most of the corrections were made to fix verb tenses, since you tend to switch between present and past tense.
June 13, 2020
Thank you very much for correcting my long post!! I appreciate it!!
I manage to write a short sentence with correct verb tenses, but when it comes to a story with many sentences, I become confused😆 I practice more!
A Rretoldelling of Sleeping Beauty
I’m sorry the story becameturned out so long again😅）
Takuya, a 9-year-old boy, was hospitalized with a compound fracture.
He was bored so walking on crutcheshe went walking around in the hospital on crutches.
A girl about Takuya's age was laidying down on a bed.
The parents kindly welcomed Takuya's visit and talked about the girl.
While Takuya talked on, she was just laid still, yet when he talked about the storytime he screwed up, he felt as if she was smiling at him.
Takuya entered a high school and became hardly able tocouldn't go to see Miho often because he had to study hard for his college entrance examination.
WhenAfter several years haved passed aftersince he graduated from the university, he finally completed the machine.
She was laid down as before but becamewas an adult.
The image moved from left to right like someone's eyes movement was moving their eyes.
The image is movingmoved to the person's face who grabbed the hand.
The audience arewas surprised to see that the Takuya in theon screen is perfewas exactly the same as the Takuya who iwas controlling the machine in the room.
The Takuya ion the screen smilesd and saysid something.
She iwas laughing and saysid something to Takuya.
Takuya looked down and put his hands on the table where there are machines were.
In the quiet room, the heart beats cardiogram sounded beep, showingcardiogram beeped then flatlined.
June 13, 2020
Thank you very much for correcting my long post!! I appreciate it!! ^^
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A Retold Sleeping Beauty A |
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（I tried to translate a story by a comedian. |
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I changed the ending. |
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I’m sorry the story became long again😅） I’m sorry the story |
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Takuya, a 9-year-old boy, was hospitalized with compound fracture. Takuya, a 9-year-old boy, was hospitalized with a compound fracture. Takuya, a 9-year-old boy, was hospitalized with a compound fracture. |
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He was bored so walking on crutches around in the hospital. He was bored Changed word order to make it sound more natural.
He was bored so |
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He saw a room at the end of the corridor where the sun never shines. He saw a room at the end of the corridor where the sun never shine Fixed tense of "shines" to make it past tense (matches with tense of "saw").
|
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The place was dark and eerie. |
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Takuya opened the room's door with curiosity. Takuya opened the room's door English speakers tend to say "full of curiosity" or "curiously" rather than using "with".
|
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A girl about Takuya's age was laid down on a bed. A girl about Takuya's age was la A girl about Takuya's age was la |
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She was sleeping. |
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Takuya was gazing at her. |
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Suddenly, two people came in. |
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Takuya quickly found out that they were the girl's parents. |
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The parents kindly welcomed Takuya's visit and talked about the girl. The parents kindly welcomed Takuya |
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Her name was Miho. |
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She got into a car accident three months ago and turned into a vegetable. |
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Takuya got permission from the parents and came to see her everyday. Takuya got permission from the parents Other correctors might disagree with me, but I think that the correction sounds more natural because it talks about what he asked permission for. Without it, then the reader has to assume what he asked permission for, but by writing this it makes it more explicit.
|
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Even after he was discharged from the hospital, he came to see her and talked about himself and what happened in the school. Even after he was discharged from the hospital, he came to see her and talked about himself and what happened |
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While Takuya talked on, she was just laid still, yet when he talked about the story he screwed up, he felt as if she was smiling at him. While Takuya talked on, she While Takuya talked on, she |
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Takuya entered a high school and became hardly able to go to see Miho because he had to study hard for his college entrance examination. Takuya entered Takuya entered |
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He entered a university and devoted himself to make a machine that shows people's dreams when they are sleeping. He entered a university and devoted himself to mak |
|
When several years have passed after he graduated from the university, he finally completed the machine.
Correction made to sound more natural.
|
|
Then, Miho's mother sent a message to him. |
|
Takuya went to the hospital and met Miho for the first time in several years. |
|
She was laid down as before but became adult. She was laid down as before but I don't know how to explain it, but using "became" sounds a bit weird in this context.
She was laid down as before but |
|
Takuya gazed at her. |
|
He had the same exciting feeling as he had when he saw Miho for the first time as a child. He had the same exciting feeling |
|
She looked so pale but the heart beats cardiogram was showing waves. She looked so pale but the Putting "heart beats" in front of "cardiogram" makes it a bit redundant, since the purpose of one is to show heartbeats.
|
|
She was still alive! |
|
Miho's father said, "We heard you finally completed the machine. |
|
Congratulations! |
|
You can try it with her." |
|
Takuya hesitated and said, "Thank you but I don't think she has enough energy to go through the trial..." Takuya hesitated and said, "Thank you, but I don't think she has enough energy to go through the trial..." |
|
"She has no time." |
|
Miho's mother broke in and gazed into Takuya's eyes. |
|
Takuya prepared the machine in Miho's room and several doctors and nurses were already standing by. Takuya prepared the machine in Miho's room |
|
Miho's parents were also there. |
|
Takuya quietly turned the switch ON. Takuya quietly turned the switch |
|
A big screen showed white smoke. |
|
The white smoke was getting clear and showed a green open field. The white smoke |
|
The image moved from left to right like someone's eyes movement. The image moved from left to right like the movement of someone's eyes This one is just a stylistic correction; your sentence would be fine if you kept your original word order.
The image moved from left to right like someone |
|
The center of the image showed a horizon between the green open field and the blue sky. |
|
Slowly, a hand is coming up against the background of the horizon. Slowly, a hand Verb tense correction
|
|
It's a female hand. It |
|
Suddenly, someone grabbed the female hand. |
|
The image is moving to the person's face who grabbed the hand. The image The image |
|
Takuya showed up in the screen. |
|
The audience are surprised to see that the Takuya in the screen is perfectly the same as Takuya who is controlling the machine in the room. The audience The audience |
|
Takuya in the screen smiles and says something. Takuya in the screen smile The Takuya |
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Then, Miho's face suddenly appeared. |
|
She is laughing and says something to Takuya. She She |
|
The image showed the two figures. |
|
It seemed the sight was changed to another person's sight, not Miho’s nor Takuya’s. |
|
Miho and Takuya held hands with each other and started to run to the horizon. |
|
As they run, their bodies are rising into the air. As they r |
|
They look as if they are running on the invisible road in the air.
|
|
The screen is showing their backs who are talking happily with each other and running into the air, up and up and up.... The screen |
|
Takuya looked down and put his hands on the table where there are machines. Takuya looked down and put his hands on the table w Takuya looked down and put his hands on the table where the |
|
Several tear drops fell on his hands. |
|
In the quiet room, the heart beats cardiogram sounded beep, showing the flatline. In the quiet room, the In the quiet room, the |
|
The end |
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By Hikari Ohta, a Japanese comedian. |
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