s
1.73

A Retelling of Alice in Wonderland Part 1

(I'm sorry, this story is long so I divided it into 3 parts 😓)

Alice is a 9-year-old bright girl. Alice's mother died two years ago and her father got married again three months ago. The step mother, Judy, is young and kind so Alice adores Judy like her sister. Alice's father is a famous scientist so is almost out of the house for his study.
Today, Alice had lunch with her father and Judy for the first time in a few months. Alice was happy. The sandwiches and the apple tea made by Judy were so nice that Alice ate a lot. The father and Judy enjoyed meals with wine, smiling at Alice who was munching. Judy gave a heart-shaped pendant to Alice. Judy likes heart-shaped stuff and sometimes bought small articles like that in town to give Alice or to use for herself. Alice was happy to wear it. After meals, Alice went to her room and started to do homework.
She was dozing off. While she was staring blankly the outside through the window, she caught sight of a white rabbit in a tuxedo running. Alice got up with a jerk and quickly came out to the backyard to run after the rabbit. The rabbit went into a big tree in the backyard. Alice rushed to the tree and found a door on the tree trunk. She thought to herself, “I wonder if there has been a door here... ”
Opening the door, Alice found the inside of the tree was a dim hollow and a ladder going down. Alice went down the ladder timidly and got to the bottom of the hollow. There was a door. Alice eased the door open. A beautiful countryside spread out before her. She saw a blue sky even though she should be in the underground. She stepped forward to the idyllic countryside.

Continues to Part 2
1 year, 6 months ago
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Correction 1 / 3
r
roperb
1.24
1 year, 6 months ago
A Retelling of Alice in Wonderland Part 1
(I'm sorry, this story is long so I divided it into 3 parts 😓)
Alice is a bright 9-year-old bright girl.
Alice's mother died two years ago and her father got married again three months ago.
Alice's mother died two years ago and her father got married again three months ago.
The step mother, Judy, is young and kind so Alice adores Judy like her sister.
Alice's father is a famous scientist so he is almost always out of the house to perform his studyexperiments.
Today, Alice had lunch with her father and Judy for the first time in a few months.
Alice was happy.
The sandwiches and the apple tea made by Judy were so nice that Alice ate a lot.
The father and Judy enjoyed the meals with some wine, smiling at Alice who was munching.
Judy gave a heart-shaped pendant to Alice.
Judy likes heart-shaped stuff and she sometimes bought small articles like that in town to give Alice or to use for herself.
Alice was happy to wear it.
After the meals, Alice went to her room and started to do her homework (or started on her homework.)
She wasbegan dozing off.
While she was staring blankly the outside through the window, she caught sight of a white rabbit in a tuxedo running.
Alice got up with a jerk and quickly came out to the backyard to run after the rabbit.
The rabbit went into a big tree in the backyard.
Alice rushed to the tree and found a door on the side of the tree trunk.
She thought to herself, “I wonder if there has always been a door here... ”
Opening the door, Alice found the inside of the tree was a dim hollow andspace with a ladder going down.
Alice went down the ladder timidly and got to the bottom of the hollow.
There was a door in front of her.
Alice eased the door open.
A beautiful countryside spread out before her.
She saw a blue sky even though she should be in thstill be underground.
She stepped forward to the idyllic countryside.
Correction 2 / 3
O
Ochita
0.57
Correction 3 / 3
p
profitendieu
6.07
10 months, 3 weeks ago
A Retelling of Alice in Wonderland: Part 1
(I'm sorry, this story is long so I divided it into 3 parts 😓)
Alice is a bright 9-year-old bright girl.
There aren't really any exact rules for adjective order; there is one that is commonly given, but it's inaccurate. It may be a good reference to start with though: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/grammar/british-grammar/adjectives-order

Generally, the ones that are more important or intrinsic to the noun in question are placed closer to the noun.
Alice's mother died two years ago, and her father got married again three months ago.
Generally, you'll want to insert a comma between two independent clauses.
The step mother, Judy, is young and kind, so Alice adores Judy like her sister.
Alice's father is a famous scientist so is almost always out of the house for his studyresearch.
This may also sound better with "so he is."
Today, Alice had lunch with her father and Judy for the first time in a few months.
Alice was happy.
The sandwiches and the apple tea made by Judy were so nice that Alice ate a lot.
The father and Judy enjoyed the meals with wine, smiling at Alice, who was munching.
Judy gave a heart-shaped pendant to Alice.
Judy likes heart-shaped stuff and sometimes boughtuys small articles like that in town to give Alice or to use for herself.
"Buys" is better here because it's referring to something ongoing in the sort, and because the present tense was used earlier for similar statements.
Alice was happy to wear it.
After the meals, Alice went to her room and started to do homework.
She was dozing off.
While she was staring blankly the outside through the window, she caught sight of a white rabbit in a tuxedo running.
"Staring outside" could also work, but it's redundant with "through." I also wouldn't use "while," since the transition from "she was dozing off" seems abrupt.
Alice got up with a jerk and quickly came out to the backyard to run after the rabbit.
The rabbit went into a big tree in the backyard.
Alice rushed to the tree and found a door on the tree trunk.
She thought to herself, “I wonder if there has been a door here... ”
Opening the door, Alice found that the inside of the tree was a dim hollow and that there was a ladder going down.
"That" is preferable here to me because it otherwise suggests to me a "found obj. adj." construction (like "I found the tea too bitter.") when I begin reading it.
Alice went down the ladder timidly and got to the bottom of the hollow.
There was a door.
Alice eased the door open.
A beautiful countryside spread out before her.
She saw a blue sky even though she should be in thwas supposed to be underground.
This usage of "should" to express something that is probable is more something that I would use for the present tense.
She stepped forward into the idyllic countryside.
Continues to Part 2
Grouped corrections
  • 2 (I'm sorry, this story is long so I divided it into 3 parts 😓)
  • Alice is a 9-year-old bright girl.
  • Alice is a bright 9-year-old bright girl.

  • Alice is a bright 9-year-old bright girl.

    There aren't really any exact rules for adjective order; there is one that is commonly given, but it's inaccurate. It may be a good reference to start with though: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/grammar/british-grammar/adjectives-order

    Generally, the ones that are more important or intrinsic to the noun in question are placed closer to the noun.
  • 1 Alice's mother died two years ago and her father got married again three months ago.
  • Alice's mother died two years ago and her father got married again three months ago.

  • Alice's mother died two years ago, and her father got married again three months ago.

    Generally, you'll want to insert a comma between two independent clauses.
  • 1 The step mother, Judy, is young and kind so Alice adores Judy like her sister.
  • The step mother, Judy, is young and kind, so Alice adores Judy like her sister.

  • Alice's father is a famous scientist so is almost out of the house for his study.
  • Alice's father is a famous scientist so he is almost always out of the house to perform his studyexperiments.

  • Alice's father is a famous scientist so is almost always out of the house for his studyresearch.

    This may also sound better with "so he is."
  • 2 Today, Alice had lunch with her father and Judy for the first time in a few months.
  • 2 Alice was happy.
  • 2 The sandwiches and the apple tea made by Judy were so nice that Alice ate a lot.
  • The father and Judy enjoyed meals with wine, smiling at Alice who was munching.
  • The father and Judy enjoyed the meals with some wine, smiling at Alice who was munching.

  • The father and Judy enjoyed the meals with wine, smiling at Alice, who was munching.

  • 2 Judy gave a heart-shaped pendant to Alice.
  • Judy likes heart-shaped stuff and sometimes bought small articles like that in town to give Alice or to use for herself.
  • Judy likes heart-shaped stuff and she sometimes bought small articles like that in town to give Alice or to use for herself.

  • Judy likes heart-shaped stuff and sometimes boughtuys small articles like that in town to give Alice or to use for herself.

    "Buys" is better here because it's referring to something ongoing in the sort, and because the present tense was used earlier for similar statements.
  • 2 Alice was happy to wear it.
  • After meals, Alice went to her room and started to do homework.
  • After the meals, Alice went to her room and started to do her homework (or started on her homework.)

  • After the meals, Alice went to her room and started to do homework.

  • 1 She was dozing off.
  • She wasbegan dozing off.

  • While she was staring blankly the outside through the window, she caught sight of a white rabbit in a tuxedo running.
  • While she was staring blankly the outside through the window, she caught sight of a white rabbit in a tuxedo running.

  • While she was staring blankly the outside through the window, she caught sight of a white rabbit in a tuxedo running.

    "Staring outside" could also work, but it's redundant with "through." I also wouldn't use "while," since the transition from "she was dozing off" seems abrupt.
  • 2 Alice got up with a jerk and quickly came out to the backyard to run after the rabbit.
  • 2 The rabbit went into a big tree in the backyard.
  • 1 Alice rushed to the tree and found a door on the tree trunk.
  • Alice rushed to the tree and found a door on the side of the tree trunk.

  • 1 She thought to herself, “I wonder if there has been a door here... ”
  • She thought to herself, “I wonder if there has always been a door here... ”

  • Opening the door, Alice found the inside of the tree was a dim hollow and a ladder going down.
  • Opening the door, Alice found the inside of the tree was a dim hollow andspace with a ladder going down.

  • Opening the door, Alice found that the inside of the tree was a dim hollow and that there was a ladder going down.

    "That" is preferable here to me because it otherwise suggests to me a "found obj. adj." construction (like "I found the tea too bitter.") when I begin reading it.
  • 1 Alice went down the ladder timidly and got to the bottom of the hollow.
  • Alice went down the ladder timidly and got to the bottom of the hollow.

  • 1 There was a door.
  • There was a door in front of her.

  • 2 Alice eased the door open.
  • 2 A beautiful countryside spread out before her.
  • She saw a blue sky even though she should be in the underground.
  • She saw a blue sky even though she should be in thstill be underground.

  • She saw a blue sky even though she should be in thwas supposed to be underground.

    This usage of "should" to express something that is probable is more something that I would use for the present tense.
  • 1 She stepped forward to the idyllic countryside.
  • She stepped forward into the idyllic countryside.

  • 1 Continues to Part 2
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