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Oct 25

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“The Summer Carnival in Starogorsk” (book II)

“The Summer Carnival in Starogorsk” (book II)

Earth-2. Provincial town Starogorsk. The time between the expeditions of Scader-7 and Scader-9. Summer holidays.

Two friends – Helka Travushkin and Yurka - got acquainted with violinist Yanka, a robot named Jeremy and a young journalist Gleb Vyatkin, who had appeared out nowhere and had settled at the station, in an old wooden train carriage on the side.
From Jeremy, who dreams of assembling a baby robot, Vaska, they learned about the existence of a “PM engine” - an engine whose energy source is the life-force of the living Sparky. Friends decided to make a magic Sparky to help Jeremy create his Vaska.
When the plan succeeded and the Sparky, very similar to the miniature model of a spiral galaxy, was created, it turned out that some strange creatures really wanted to get their hands on the Sparky.
Jeremy, having learned something about his opponents, died under mysterious circumstances most reminiscent of a premeditated murder - on his way to the train carriage. He was smashed into pieces by a hit from a metal rod that emerged from an unknown electric locomotive passing through the station.
Frightened by the death of the robot, the station master demanded that Gleb and his friends immediately got out of the carriage. Everybody spent the last night before their eviction on the carriage. While holding the Sparky close to the axle of one of the sets of wheels, our intrepid adventurers got the old train carriage moving, and traveled for some time to who knows where. The night went on for an unnaturally long time. Yurka talked about a conversation he had had with his mother, from which he concluded that his lost father was a scaderman. They went on, to a railroad fork somewhere in the steppes. At the entrance to a switch point, Gleb managed to make out some familiar places; it seemed they managed to find the point where the rail tracks of Earth - 2 and the Earth connected. Gleb could return to his world, but he decided that there was nothing for him and instead went down the path ahead into the unknown.. Yurka left with him. He hoped that there, in an unknown world, he would be able to find his Scaderman father. Helka and Yanka sent the Sparky on a paper dove in the wake of departed friends, and returned back, following along the railroad tracks. Turning back before leaving, they discovered that their old wooden train carriage had disappeared, as if it had never been.

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Showing corrections grouped by sentence
1

“The Summer Carnival in Starogorsk” (book II)

1

Earth-2.

1

Provincial town Starogorsk.

1

The time between the expeditions of Scader-7 and Scader-9.

1

Summer holidays.

1

Two friends – Helka Travushkin and Yurka - got acquainted with violinist Yanka, a robot named Jeremy and a young journalist Gleb Vyatkin, who had appeared out nowhere and had settled at the station, in an old wooden train carriage on the side.

Two friends – Helka Travushkin and Yurka - got acquainted with a violinist named Yanka, a robot named Jeremy and a young journalist named Gleb Vyatkin, who had appeared out nowhere and had settled at the station, in an old wooden train carriage on the side.

Stylistic

From Jeremy, who dreams of assembling a baby robot, Vaska, they learned about the existence of a “PM engine” - an engine whose energy source is the life-force of the living Sparky.

From Jeremy, who dreamsed of assembling a baby robot, Vaska, they learned about the existence of a “PM engine” - an engine whose energy source is the life-force of the living Sparky.

Grammar

From Jeremy, who dreams of assembling a baby robot, called Vaska, they learned about the existence of a “PM engine” - an engine whose energy source is the life-force of the living Sparky.

It's a little unclear with the framing of the sentence.
Stylistic

Friends decided to make a magic Sparky to help Jeremy create his Vaska.

FThe friends decided to make a magic Sparky to help Jeremy create his Vaska.

Usage
1

When the plan succeeded and the Sparky, very similar to the miniature model of a spiral galaxy, was created, it turned out that some strange creatures really wanted to get their hands on the Sparky.

Jeremy, having learned something about his opponents, died under mysterious circumstances most reminiscent of a premeditated murder - on his way to the train carriage.

Jeremy, having learned something about his opponents, died under mysterious circumstances most reminiscent of a premeditated murder - on his way to the train carriage.

Stylistic

Jeremy, having learned something about his opponents; on his way to the train carriage, died under mysterious circumstances most reminiscent of a premeditated murder - on his way to the train carriage.

Usage Stylistic

He was smashed into pieces by a hit from a metal rod that emerged from an unknown electric locomotive passing through the station.

He was smashed into pieces by aafter getting hit fromby a metal rod that emerged from an unknown electric locomotive passing through the station.

Usage Stylistic

He was smashed into pieces by a hitstrike from a metal rod that emerged from an unknown electric locomotive passing through the station.

Stylistic
1

Frightened by the death of the robot, the station master demanded that Gleb and his friends immediately got out of the carriage.

Frightened by the death of the robot, the station master demanded that Gleb and his friends immediately goget out of the carriage at once.

Grammar Usage

Everybody spent the last night before their eviction on the carriage.

Everybody spent the last night before their eviction on the carriage.on the carriage before their expulsion.

Eviction is typically used when it comes to houses.
Usage

Everybody spent their last night before their eviction on the carriage.

Grammar

While holding the Sparky close to the axle of one of the sets of wheels, our intrepid adventurers got the old train carriage moving, and traveled for some time to who knows where.

While holding the Sparky close to the axle of one of the sets of wheels, our intrepid adventurers got the old train carriage moving, and traveled for some time to who knows where.

Redundancy
Stylistic

The night went on for an unnaturally long time.

The night went on for an unnaturusually long time.

Usage

Yurka talked about a conversation he had had with his mother, from which he concluded that his lost father was a scaderman.

Yurka talked about a conversation that he had had with his mother, from which he concluded that his lostestranged father was a scaderman.

Unless he knew his father who died, list would not be appropriate. And Scaderman? I don't think that's a word in English
Grammar Usage

They went on, to a railroad fork somewhere in the steppes.

They went on, to a railroad fork somewhere in the steppes.

At the entrance to a switch point, Gleb managed to make out some familiar places; it seemed they managed to find the point where the rail tracks of Earth - 2 and the Earth connected.

At the entrance to a switch point, Gleb managed to make out some familiar places; it seemed that they managed to find the point where the rail tracks of Earth - -2 and the Earth connected.

Usage

Gleb could return to his world, but he decided that there was nothing for him and instead went down the path ahead into the unknown.. Yurka left with him.

Gleb could return to his world, but he decided that there was nothing left for him and instead went down the path ahead into the unknown.. Yurka left with him.

Stylistic

Gleb could return to his world, but he decided that there was nothing for him there and instead went down the pathon ahead into the unknown... Yurka left with him.

It's either one period or three. 'Down the path' is very rudimentary, you could use some colloquial metaphor
Grammar Stylistic
1

He hoped that there, in an unknown world, he would be able to find his Scaderman father.

1

Helka and Yanka sent the Sparky on a paper dove in the wake of departed friends, and returned back, following along the railroad tracks.

Turning back before leaving, they discovered that their old wooden train carriage had disappeared, as if it had never been.

Turning back before leaving, they discovered that their old wooden train carriage had disappeared, as if it had never been there at all.

Stylistic

Turning back before leaving, they discovered that their old wooden train carriage had disappeared, as if it had never been there.

Incomplete phrase
Usage

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